Girl, so confusing (the career edit)

I’ve caught a chronic case of the Sunday Scaries

Graduating at the height of the pandemic, I was relieved when I signed the contract for my first big girl job. Beyond earning an income, I relished in being able to more easily draw boundaries between work and leisure. There wasn’t any guilt in logging off at 5PM on a Friday, unlike in college, where every extra hour in the library felt like it had the power to influence my future (in retrospect, ridiculous).

At the beginning, the path was well-paved: learn about the work, do the work and then learn how to do the work better. For all of its flaws, a competitive undergraduate business program excelled at teaching me the fundamentals of succeeding in a corporate environment. For a year and a half, I fell in sync with the rhythm of being a consultant. Eventually, the work began to feel monotonous and I explored a new path in my career. Tech seemed like the edgy sibling of consulting and finance, with its office ping pong tables, t-shirt dress-codes and a self-proclaimed “disruptive” personality. The industry loves to tell you that it’s constantly breaking and building things. Although I’m more fulfilled than I ever was in consulting, that gnawing feeling has begun to haunt me once more.

I find myself torn between two modalities of thought: (1) A job is just a job vs. (2) I will spend nearly 83,000 hours of the foreseeable future in the workforce, so it feels foolish not to try and find something fulfilling. I’m privileged to even have this dilemma, despite it sending me into the occasional melancholic spiral.

In many ways, perspective (1) is simpler. You find a job that ticks a few of your key boxes (pay, work life balance etc.) and stick with it for the duration in which it has a net positive impact on your life. Once the cons start outweighing the pros, you find another job. I made peace with perspective (1) when I exited my girlboss phase circa 2020 and it was great. I felt light. At the end of every work day, I mentally shelved my job away in a drawer, and relished in living my 5 to 9 (as the girlies say).

However, over the last several months, I’ve been oscillating more towards the dread of what 5, 10, 25, 40 years feels like in the corporate wheel. There’s the argument that my next move doesn’t have to be perfect, and that any change is a step in the right direction. While I can see the truth in that, I still feel paralyzed because I’m stuck making moves in a game where the rules maximize profit, not employee wellbeing. Call it cynicism or realism — I don’t doubt there are exceptions to the case, but finding one of these exceptions and surviving the 5 rounds of interviews seems rarer than a so-called “unicorn”.

Many people have quit the game to become freelancers or founders, or to pursue other modes of self-employment. I envy their courage, passion and perhaps streak of delusion — I know this decision is not easy and I wish I was sure enough about something to want to give it my all and risk failing. Instead, I feel as though I’m chasing myself in liminal space, mentally assessing the pros and cons of each option until I drive myself crazy :-)

What’s going on in my mind, as of late - Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)

Being naturally skeptical of the hype du jour can make it difficult to navigate career paths in the tech space. Whether it’s NFTs or AI or IDK, it seems like many companies are blindly grasping for some new technology to prove their relevance. For every legacy company throwing money at chatbots or maybe McRib NFTs, there’s a start-up with a vague one-word brand name pedaling its solutions. Don’t get me wrong, I do think there are impactful applications of new technology; I just wish I could more easily come by these examples. In fact, if you know of any, or know how to better find them, please let me know!!!

I’m figuring it out. I’d love to discuss if you’re feeling similarly, have any ideas or even if this doesn’t resonate at all (in which case, please let me know what the panacea is).

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Things I’ve consumed recently:

• Books

  • “Thick: And Other Essays” by Tressie McMillan Cottom: A stunning collection of essays touching on topics such as beauty and competence through the lens of black womanhood. Must-read if you enjoy writing by bell hooks or if you enjoyed “Trick Mirror” by Jia Tolentino and want to challenge yourself with a more nuanced book of essays.

  • “How to Write an Autobiographical Novel” by Alexander Chee: One of the first texts I’ve read about writing. I really enjoyed it and want to explore more pieces about how to become a better writer, if you have any recommendations!

    • “Also, bad verb choices mean adverbs. More often than not, you don’t need them. Did he run quickly or did he sprint? Did he walk slowly or did he stroll or saunter?”

  • “Taste Makers: Seven Immigrant Women who Revolutionized Food in America ” by Mayukh Sen: It was interesting to learn about these women’s’ stories but the format felt a little repetitive towards the end. I wish there was more of a central thesis to bring all of the stories together. Might be more enjoyable to read each chapter over the course of time vs. in a couple of sittings (or in my case, on the plane).

• The first season of Girls: It’s way more enjoyable and makes a lot more sense now that I’m no longer 15 years old lol